70 Humorous Stories and How to Tell Them

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NOTE: There is some R-rated language in this area.
Before reading further, please be aware of this!

I am not a comedian, but I am a professional ex-salesman and teacher.
I make my living teaching and selling to people. One of the most successful
products I have had in my stock has been my sense of humor and ability to be
funny when telling a humorous story. Let me show you how.

I have always preferred the story over the one-liner; not only are they funnier
but they last longer. For a salesman that is important. I have won over many
customers with my story-telling skills, but in fact you probably don't care.
But you're here, so that means you care about winning over some "customers"
of your own, so on wit' da show!

The story/joke-telling skill has so many uses:

• You can use them like I did, making a living as a salesman
• You can lighten up a business meeting
• You can toss them around with your friends in the office
• You can use them when you are called upon to speak in front of crowds
• You can entertain people --- even those of the opposite sex
• By sharing stories, you encourage others to tell you their best stories
• You can break the ice in virtually any social environment
• A good, funny story is always welcome --- you become more popular
• You can learn and hone communication skills through joke-telling
• You learn to critique other story-tellers to improve your own technique

Let me teach you how to tell a good story.

Let me list for you the important general highlights of telling a good story.
These are given in no particular order because each situation and story
deserves individual attention. But here are the important ideas:

• Get your audience involved in the story by using voice dynamics, hand
  gestures, and facial cues --- the idea is to make your audience visualize
  that they are in the situation of the story --- oh, and a physical story
  requires clear physical description (be animated, it's funnier)
• Use descriptive terms that appeal to the five senses to draw a better
  picture for your audience --- sight, sound, smell, taste, feel
• Attempt to pace the story in accordance with the "pace" of your
  audience, that is, if your audience is relaxed, then the delivery can
  afford to be slower. If your audience is hurried, or moving, or has a
  shorter attention span, speed up the delivery.
• Some stories might be enhanced if told with an accent or in a dialect
  of some type --- use your judgement with regard to its appropriateness
  AND with your ability to deliver a convincing voice
• Feel free to tailor your story to your style and your audience --- you
  never have to tell it the way it's written or even the same way twice
• Do not mince words, enunciate clearly --- stay with the story --- keep
  your audience focused
• Try to relate to your audience by making eye contact with a few
  members --- show them you care about them getting it and they'll be
  more attentive
• Avoid all the common clichés in delivering your stories --- they are
  distracting and appear uninventive and unoriginal
• Use pregnant pauses for dramatic effect --- used sparingly, a good
  pause makes a funny story even funnier --- it takes some people a
  second or two longer to get themselves ready for a punchline anyway
• Normally a casual entrance into a joke or story is best. Begin with "...so
  I was walking..." or "...I heard about this woman..." or "...there was this
  guy..." I have found that beginning with "Did you hear about..." or "I have
  a good joke..." or "Let me tell you a good one I heard..." makes most
  people kind of uncomfortable because now they feel they have to listen.
  The more casual approach lets the listeners draw themselves into the story.
• Sometimes a mid-joke reference to something familiar to the listener is
  helpful. If you are describing, say, a large sandwich, describe it terms that
  your audience will visualize (a hero, a Dagwood, a Subway, a hoagie, a
  submarine sandwich) --- that is, always tailor your story to the audience
  for maximum effect
• Remember your story (the setup) is as much or more important as the
  punchline --- after all you ARE trying to entertain, aren't you? Don't rush
  just to get to the punchline --- milk the story for all it's worth
• The longer stories are harder to learn but are often more impressive to
  your audience. If it's a complicated story that they couldn't remember
  well enough to tell themselves, they will be more impressed with your
  skill --- AND more apt to listen to you the next time you have a clever story
• Naturally gauge your audience's tolerance to profanity and adult topics
  and adjust your story accordingly. Timely use of profanity can be quite
  effective for emphasis but be careful not to turn off your audience. The
  same goes for stories of questionable taste. Always err on the side of
  being too clean. A handy rule of thumb is: "Could I tell this story to the PTA?"
• Like anything worth doing, it is worth doing well. Thus practice is the key.
  Practice with your wife, girlfriend, buddy, anyone who will put up with your
  new attempts and humor. Even use a tape recorder. Gauge their feedback
  (laughter or lack of it) and compensate for it the next time you tell the story.

Here is a selection of seventy stories, some short, some long, a couple I wrote,
some I embellished, and some I heard over the years. I chose them at random
from a Long List that I started many years ago. Hopefully you and/or your audience
haven't heard them all yet.

Most of these stories are rated PG. A few are rated R because of limited profanity
or adult topics, and a few are of questionable taste. Feel free to change a word
here and there; as I mentioned above, always tailor them to your audience.

Here's a list of the seventy stories (actually there are more than seventy stories,
in case you've heard a couple of them). If you are reading this on a web browser,
they are hotlinked.

Lady Gets on a Bus	New Policy in Heaven	The Talking Frog
3 Birds on a Wire	Hell is Cool	Ladies at a Busstop
Tour of Heaven	The Birth of Woman	The Moral of the Story
Old Lady Who Makes Bets	Clinton in Oz	Animal Attraction
Golf at Pebble Beach	Musical Octopus	Nativity Scene
Gorilla My Dreams	Accidental Celebration	Fear No Evil
Students at the Races	Elderly Sex Life	Mr. Hi-Tech
Love on Mars	Three Tough Mice	Priest and Nun in Winter
The Pickle Slicer	Wonderful Hair Spray	Nice Medical Plan
Bored in Church	The Mailman's Last Day	Grandma Ain't So Young
Cathouse Parrot	The New Maid	Trains
I Need a Wrench	Wheelchair Lover	Who's in Charge?
Prison Jokester	Third World Discovery	Late Night Drinking
Profane Polly	Feel Like A Woman	Turner Brown
Sesame Street Bus	Inquisitive Son	Sinners in Hell
Ticket Excuse	Kids!	Newlywed
Modern Aesop's Fable	A Horth Story	Better Write It Down
A Boy and His Frog	A Diner Quickie	Easter Holiday
Four Letter Words	Laughing Customer	Bob Rents an Apartment
Afraid of the Dark	Semantics	Marriage Counseling
The Painting Nuns	The Medical Jar	A Special Dinner
My Name's Joe	A Helluva Headache	The Genie
Super Technical Watch	The Vegetable Garden	Little Boy Politics
The Perfect Diet	Mexican Bungie	God Will Provide
Choosing a Profession	The Ring	The Examination
Father of One of My Kids

Lady Gets on a Bus

A lady gets on a public bus. Without saying a word, she gestures to the bus driver by sticking
her thumb on her nose and waving her fingers at the driver.

The driver acknowledges the lady, turns to her and uses both hands in the same type of gesture
and waves all his fingers at her.

The woman holds her right arm out at the driver and chops at it a few times with her left hand.

Then the driver puts his left hand on his right bicep and jerks his right arm up in a fist at her.

The woman then cups both of her hands under her breasts and lifts gently.

So the driver places both of his hands at his crotch and gently lifts up.

Then the woman frowns, runs a finger up between her derriere, and gets off the bus.

There is another woman sitting in the front row of the bus who witnessed the whole exchange.
She speaks up, "That was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen on a public bus! What the
hell were you doing?"

"Listen lady," states the gruff bus driver, "the lady that got on the bus before was a deaf-mute.
She asked me if the bus went to 5th Street. I said no, we go to 10th Street. She asked if we
make many stops. I told her that this was the express. She asked if we go by the dairy, and
I told her we go by the ballpark. She said "Shit, I'm on the wrong bus!" and got off."

Three Birds on a Wire

A teacher was helping her third-grade students with a math problem.  
After choosing a student in particular, she recited the following 
story:
 
"Billy, there are three birds sitting on a telephone wire.  A man 
with a gun shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on 
the wire?" 

The boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.

"No, no, no.  Let's try again, maybe you didn't hear me correctly,"
the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. 
"There are three birds sitting on a wire.  A man with a gun shoots 
one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the
wire?"

"None," the boy says with authority.
 
The teacher sighs.  "Tell me how you came up with that." 

"It's simple," says the boy, "after the man shot one bird, the noise
from the gun scared the other two away." 

"Well," she says, "that's not technically correct, but I like the
way you think."
 
"Thanks," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question."  

"Okay," she said guardedly.

"There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles.  One 
woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, 
and one is sucking the popsicle.  Which one is married?" he asked 
innocently.
 
The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony,
turning three shades of red. 

"C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "which one is it, the one 
licking the popsicle, the one biting it, or the one sucking it?  
Which one is married?"

"Well, uh," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied,
"the one who's sucking?"

"Naw," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring. 
But I like the way you think."

Tour of Heaven

A man dies and goes to heaven.  Expecting a long line, he is 
surprised to see nobody there at all, except for an angel sitting
in a chair with his feet up on a table.

"Hello there," said the angel, "I'm Saint Peter, welcome to heaven!"

"Thank you, Saint Peter," said the man, "where is everyone?"

"Well, you're in luck.  Today is just a very slow day, and to make 
the time pass, I like to give tours to the new arrivals.  Would you
enjoy a complete guided tour of heaven?"

"Gosh, I'd love a tour of heaven...lead on, Saint Peter, lead on."

Well, Saint Peter takes him everywhere.  They go to hear the Heavenly
Choir, three hundred angels singing on high.  They go to the Great
Hall of Saints and the Great Temple of Martyrs and the man is just
overwhelmed.  Finally, Saint Peter take him to the Throne Room of
God himself.  The man's heart skips a beat, and the light at the 
far end of the room just blinds him to the point that he can't
stand it any longer.  He is escorted out.

Then, Saint Peter walks him into a hugh room filled with thousands
and thousands of clocks, large and small, all shapes, all kinds.

The man is puzzled.  He asks, "What is this room full of clocks
all about?"

In a lecturing tone, Saint Peter describes, "This is the Room of
Souls.  Each clock in the room represents a single human soul.
The time on each clock represents how long each is to live.  Each
and every time a person lies, however, the hands of the clock move 
a bit faster."

The man glances up and notices a huge clock, face downward, 
whizzing around at a great rate of speed.  His curiosity gets the
better of him and he asks, "What is that clock?"

"Oh that one.  That's OJ's clock.  We use it as a fan."


The Old Lady Who Makes Bets


A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America
one day, carrying a large bag of money.  She insisted that she must 
speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account 
because, "It's a lot of money!" 

The receptionist objected, stating, "You can't just walk in here
and expect to see the president of the Bank of America.  He's a 
very busy man."

"But I am here to make a very large cash deposit," added the old
woman.

The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then 
walked back to one of the rear offices. She came back and said,
"You're in luck this morning, he will see you," and ushered 
her in to see the president of the Bank of America.

When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man
behind a great oaken desk.  The bank president stood up and 
asked,  "How can I help you?"
 
She replied, "I would like to open a savings account," and placed 
the bag of money on his desk.

"How much would you like to deposit?" he asked curiously.

"$180,000, if you please," and dumped the cash out of her bag 
onto his desk. 

The President was suprised to see all this cash, so he asked her,
"Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around, 
especially a woman at your stage in life. Where did you come by 
this kind of money?"   

The old lady coyly replied, "I make bets."

Surprised, the president then asked, "Bets?  What kind of bets?"  

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that 
your balls are square." 

"What?!" cried the man, "you want to bet me $25,000 that my balls, 
my testicles, are square?" He could hardly hold back from laughing.

"Yes, you heard me.  In fact, by ten o'clock tomorrow morning, 
I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square."

The man smiled broadly, thinking he had a live one.  "You've got 
yourself a bet!" and shook her hand.

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of 
money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. 
as a witness?" 

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent 
a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from 
side to side, again and again.  He thoroughly checked them out 
until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were 
square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 a.m., the little old lady 
appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.  She introduced 
the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says 
the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him 
to drop his pants so they could all see.  The president complied. 
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if 
she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, obviously embarrassed. Thinking
to himself, "$25,000 is a lot of money, I guess it's okay."
He then said, "Yes, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you 
should be absolutely sure."  

As the old woman started to feel the banker's testicles, he noticed 
that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with 
your lawyer?"

The old lady replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that 
at 10:00 a.m. today, I'd have the balls of the president of the
Bank of America in my hands."

Golf at Pebble Beach

A man retires after 35 years at the same job and decides to take
his first retirement vacation in Hawaii with his wife.  He is 
really looking forward to two weeks of sightseeing and golf.

The day they arrive, he signs up for pro golf lessons at the 
beautiful Pebble Beach Country Club.

After a night out with his wife, they wake refreshed and go out 
to the links.  The man and his wife and the golf pro begin the
course and they do rather well.  After the sixth hole, they catch 
up to the party ahead of them and need to wait for them to finish
the seventh before they can play it.

A tall man with a beard tees off and hits his ball right into the
water.  His companions all hit their tee shots into the fairway.
The retired man watches as the bearded man actually walks on to
the water to find his ball.  He can't believe his eyes.

To the golf pro, he blurts out, "Who does he think he is, Jesus
Christ?"

The pro answers, "He is Jesus Christ.  He thinks he's Tiger Woods."

Gorilla My Dreams

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. 
Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, 
and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. 
The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no 
male gorillas of that species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators were told 
about Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. 
Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any 
female, but he wasn't very bright.

So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to 
screw the gorilla for five hundred dollars? Mike showed some 
interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer,
but only under three conditions.
 
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, 
I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this 
union."

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so 
they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up 
with the five hundred bucks."

Students at the Races

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two 
lady teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to 
learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet 
so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and 
the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's 
toilet one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach 
the urinal. Having no choice she went inside and began hoisting 
up the little boys by their armpits.

As she lifted one she couldn't help but notice that he was rather 
well endowed, especially for a little kid.  

"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. 
But thanks for the lift anyhow."

Love on Mars

The year is 2258 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after 
accumulating enough frequent flier miles.  They meet a Martian 
couple and start talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if 
Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they 
make money, etc. Maureen discusses hobbies, cuisine on Mars etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. 
"Pretty much the same way you do," responds the Martian woman.

Discussion ensues and finally curiosity gets the better of them 
and the couples decide to swap partners for the night and 
experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to 
a bedroom where the Martian strips.  He's got only a teeny, weeny 
member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen understandably.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his 
palm.  With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until 
it's quite remarkably long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty 
narrow...."  

"No problem,"  he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each 
pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire 
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, 
passionate love for many hours.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and 
go their separate ways.  As they walk along, Mike asks, 
"Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it honey," says Maureen, "but it was pretty 
wonderful.  How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, "All I got was a terrible headache.
All she kept doing was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

The Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory.  He had been employed there for a 
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife 
that he had a terrible compulsion.  He had this urge to stick his 
penis into the pickle slicer.  His wife suggested that he should 
see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd 
be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. 

One day, a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. 
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. 

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge 
to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" 

"Oh, Bill, you didn't." 

"Yes, I did."  

"My God, Bill, what happened?" 

"I got fired." 

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" 

"Oh...she got fired too."

Bored in Church

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at her 
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem -- my husband 
keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. 
What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. 
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will 
nod to you at specific times. When I nod, you give him a 
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, 
the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate 
sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the 
hatpin.  

"Yes, you are right, my son," said the minister.

Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning 
towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the 
minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, 
he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to 
bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
  
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore 
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that 
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off 
and shove it up your ass!!!!!"

Cathouse Parrot

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at
home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it
wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it
speak.  She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large
beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how
much.  The owner said it was just $50.
 
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more
expensive, she agreed to buy it.  The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a
whorehouse. Sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
 
The woman thought about this, but decided she would buy it anyway.
The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.  She 
hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to 
say something.  The bird looked around the room, then at her, 
and said, "New house, new madam."
 
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
"that's not so bad." A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage
daughters returned from school.  When they inspected the bird, it
looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than 
began to laugh about the situation.  A couple of hours later, 
the woman's husband came home from work.  

The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores,
same old faces. Hi George!"

I Need a Wrench

A husband and wife surveyor team are working on a new plot of land
for a building development.

They are standing some ninety or a hundred yards apart when 
the husband discovers he is missing a tool he needs for something
he is working on.

So he whistles to his wife.  When she looks at him, he gestures.
He points to his eye, then to his knee, and then pantomimes the
motion of turning a wrench.  "I need a wrench," he says as he 
gestures, knowing she is too far away to hear him.

She watches his gestures and nods.  Then she gestures back.
She points to her eye, then touches her heart, and then touches
her crotch.

He doesn't get her reply so he repeats his gesture sequence. "I
need a wrench," he repeats.

She nods even more vigorously and repeats her sequence but he
still doesn't get it.

Later that evening at dinner, the husband says, "You know this
afternoon, when I gestured to you?"

She says, "Yes, I remember."

He says, "I was trying to tell you that (gesturing) 'I need a 
wrench.'"

"Oh yeah, I got that.  I tried to tell you that (gesturing) 'I 
left it in the box.'"

Prison Jokester

A young man is sentenced to fifteen years in prison.  The warden 
takes a liking to him and puts him in a cell with a kindly oldtimer
so that he can be shown the ropes and not get himself in trouble.

So the oldtimer teachs the youngster the rules of the prison, what
to do, what not to do, stuff like that.  One of the rules he learns
is that there is no talking allowed during meals.

A curious thing happens during meals though and the young prisoner 
is a bit confused.  In the large mess hall, once everyone is seated,
one of the prisoners stands up and loudly says, "47."  Everyone
in the hall laughs hysterically.  A few minutes later, another
prisoner stands up and loudly says, "19." Again, a torrent of
laughter from everyone.  This goes on throughout the meal.

Later, when the youngster and the oldtimer get back to their cell, 
the young man asks, "What was going in the mess hall tonight? I
thought you said there was no talking allowed."

"Ah, yes, the mess hall.  Well years ago, the warden eased up on
that rule a bit, the one that disallows talking at meals.  You see,
all of us inmates have memorized a long list of jokes and stories
by the number, so that all one of us has to do is call out its
number, and, because we have all of the stories memorized, it's
like someone told the whole funny story."

The young inmate nods understandingly and falls off to sleep.

After a few weeks of this mealtime behavior, the young man gets
up a bit of nerve and decides to tell a story.

So, one evening at the dinner meal, he stands up and loudly says,
"26." No one laughs. Not even a twitter. So he tries again, "26."
Still nothing.  He sits down sheepishly and embarrassed.

Later, he pleads with the oldtimer to explain what happened.  
"That is such a good story, number 26, how come no one laughed."

The old man turned to him and explained, "It's the way you told it."

Profane Polly

A man goes to a pet store in order to buy himself an exotic bird.

He tells the clerk, "You know I've had a number of pet birds in my 
life and now I'm looking for something really special.  Have 
anything I might like?"

"Yessir, I do.  I have a South American parrot rumored to have a
vocabulary of over 400 words.  He can talk about the weather, about
sports, and about politics.  But I might add, he is very expensive."

"Well, he sounds just perfect.  Why don't you bring him out here?"

The clerk goes into the back room and brings out an exquisite green
bird with bright feathers and a dark, golden beak.  He sets the bird
on a perch and excuses himself to take care of another customer in
another part of the shop.

The man looks at the bird and starts talking to it in the usual
way, "Pretty bird, pretty bird, Polly want a cracker?"

The bird replies in such beautiful English the man can hardly 
believe his ears.  They have a conversation about the recent rains,
they talk about the latest bills in Congress, and even talk 
about the latest Super Bowl.  The man is dumbfounded.

"I'll take him," he calls out to the clerk, "take him home with
me today."

"Very good, sir," says the clerk.  They conclude the transaction
and the man walks out with the parrot on his shoulder.

As soon as they get to the man's home, the bird goes into a loud
tirade of profanity.  One four-letter word after another.  On and
on without end.  The man can't believe it.

"Look, bird, you didn't do any of this in the shop.  I have 
guests coming over tonight.  Don't you dare embarrass me with 
this kind of language."

The bird continues on and on with the profane cursing.

The man gets fed up and throws the parrot into his freezer.  That
will quiet him down, thinks the man.

Sure enough, within a minute or two, the bird has gone completely 
silent.  The man opens the freezer and the bird takes a deep bow.
"Forgive me sir, I will never talk like that again.  I just do not
know what got it to me."

The man is satisfied and motions for the bird to perch on his
shoulder and the man goes about his business.

A few minutes later the bird leans over to his ear and asks
quietly, "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure, what is it?"

"Uh, what exactly did the chicken do?"

Sesame Street Bus

There was this guy who just got a new job as a school bus driver for elementary
school children. He thought it would be nice to paint the school bus with characters
from Sesame Street. So he painted Bert and Ernie, Big Bird, The Cookie Monster and
the rest on the bus.

At his first stop, there was this very overweight little girl. He opened the door and said,
" Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The girl said that her name was Pattie.

Waiting at the next stop was another overweight little girl. He said, "Hi, I'm the new
bus driver. What is your name?" She said that her name was Pattie also.

At the next stop, there was a grown woman and a little boy. The bus driver said,
"Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?"

The woman piped up and said, "His name is Ross and he is my son." She continued,
"He is very, very special, so I want you to take extra good care of him."

The bus driver replied, "No problem. He can have this seat right behind me and I can
watch him carefully in the mirror."

At the next stop, there was this little country boy standing there. The little boy was
wearing tattered overalls and had no shoes or socks on his feet. The poor little boy
had problems walking because of bunions all over his feet. The bus driver said, "Hi,
I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?"

The little boy replied, "My name is Lester Cleese." Well, little Lester picked at his
bunions all the way to the school house, nearly driving the driver crazy.

Later that night, at home, his wife asked him how his first day on the new job was.

The man replied:

"Well, I had Two Obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Cleese Picking Bunions On A
Sesame Street Bus."

Ticket Excuse

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving 
above the speed limit.  He notices a police car with its red 
lights on in his rear view mirror.  

He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is 
on.  The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles 
an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures 
he can't outrun the cop and gives up.  He pulls over to the curb.
 
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. 
He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day,
and I just want to go home.  Give me a good excuse and I'll let 
you go." 

The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife 
ran off with a police officer.  When I saw your cruiser in my rear 
view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying 
to give her back to me!  

Modern Aesop's Fable

A horse and a chicken were walking down a country road and they 
saw that there was some corn just across the ditch by the road.  
The horse walked over to eat the corn.  Before he got to the corn 
he became stuck in the mud. For all his trying he could not get 
out of the mud.  

So he tells the chicken, "Hey, go over to that farm house and get 
some help to get me out of this mud."

When the chicken gets to the farm house, he can't find anybody to 
help him get the horse out of the mud.  However, he notices that 
there is a Mercedes parked in the driveway and the keys are in 
the ignition.  The chicken drives the Mercedes back down the road, 
ties a rope he found to the Mercedes and throws the other end to 
the horse.  In a jiffy the horse is out of the mud.
  
The two proceed down the road again.  And again they see some more 
corn on the side of the road.  This time the chicken crosses over 
the ditch to get the corn.  And as luck would have it, the chicken 
gets stuck in the mud.  

The chicken tells the horse, "Hey, go get that Mercedes and pull 
me out of this mud."  

The horse surveys the problem and says, "I think I can straddle 
this ditch because it is not too big and when I do just grab my 
dick and I'll pull you out of the mud."  The horse does as he says
and the chicken is pulled out of the mud.

So what is the moral of this story?

When your hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up 
chicks!

A Boy and a Frog

One day, a boy was walking down a road when a frog called to him, 
"Boy, if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess."

The boy picked up the frog, smiled at it, then placed the frog 
into his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog said, "Boy, if you 
kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, and I will 
stay with you for a week."

The boy took the frog from his pocket, smiled at it, then put it 
back into his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog said, 
"Boy, if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, 
I will do ANYTHING you want!"

The boy took the frog from his pocket, smiled, and put it back.
Finally, the frog cried, "Boy, what is the matter, I have told you 
that I am a beautiful princess, and if you kiss me, I will stay 
with you and do ANYTHING you want!"

The boy took the frog from his pocket and said, "Look, I am an 
engineering student, I have no time for a girlfriend, but a 
talking frog is cool!"

Four Letter Words

A young couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon. 
When they got back home the bride immediately called her mom, 
who lived three hours away.

"Well, darling," said her Mom, "How was your honeymoon?"

"It was wonderful, and so romantic. We had a great time," said 
the bride, but as soon as we got home he started using really 
horrible language. Words I have never heard before. Really 
horrible four-letter words! You've got to come get me...PLEASE."
Then the bride began to sob over the phone. "PLEASE, mom come get 
me!" begged the bride.

"But honey what did he say, what 4-letter words, you have to tell 
me what's troubling you," said her mom.

Still sobbing the bride said to her mother..."Words like....DUST, 
IRON, COOK, WASH!"

Afraid of the Dark

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when 
he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the 
floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
  
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
  
The doctor asked patient #1 what he was doing. The patient 
replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
  
The doctor asked Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.  
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. 
He thinks he's a light bulb."  The doctor looked up and noticed 
Patient #2's face is all red.
  
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, don't you think
you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
  
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

The Painting Nuns

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even 
a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to 
lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in 
the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. 
"Who is it?", calls out one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a male voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and deciding that no 
harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open 
the door.

"Nice tits, sister," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

My Name's Joe

There once was a farmer whose wife had died and left him with
three beautiful teenage daughters. Every weekend, when they went
out on dates, the farmer would stand at the door with his shotgun,
making it clear to their dates he wanted no trouble from them.

Another Saturday night came around.  About 7 p.m., there was a 
knock on the door.  He answered and the young man said,

"Hi, my name's Joe.  I'm here for Flo.  I'm taking her to the show.
Is she ready to go?"  The farmer thought he was a clever boy and
wished them a good time.

A few minutes later, another knock was heard.  A second boy 
appeared and said,

"Hi, I'm Eddie.  I'm here for Betty.  I'm taking her for spaghetti.
I hope she's ready."  He thought that he must know Joe, but bade
them off as well with his best wishes.

A few minutes after that, a third knock was heard.

"Hi, I'm Chuck..."  The farmer shot him.

Super Technical Watch

Lester is struggling through a bus station with two huge and 
obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and 
asks "Have you got the time?"

Lester sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist.  
"It's a quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.

Lester brightens a little.  "Yeah, it's not bad.  Check this out," 
and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone 
in the world, but for the 86 largest cities in the world.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says
"The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent.  

A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.  
Lester continues "I've put in regional accents for each city."  

The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply 
astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.  

"That's not all," says Lester. He pushes a few more buttons and a 
tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the 
display.  "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite 
positioning," explains Lester.  "View recede ten," he says, and 
the display changes to show eastern New York State.

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the 
bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to 
demonstrate that the watch is also a very credible little FM radio 
receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure 
distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout 
and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings
of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my
favorites in there so far," says the proud inventor.

"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."

"I'll give you $1000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"

"I'll give you $5000 for it!"

"But it's just not -"

"I'll give you $15,000 for it!"  And the stranger pulls out a
checkbook.  

Lester stops to think.  He's only put about $8500 into materials 
and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and 
have it ready for merchandising in only six months.  The stranger 
frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of 
him.  "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. 
$15,000.  Take it or leave it."  

Lester abruptly makes his decision.  "OK," he says, and peels off 
the watch.  They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily 
away.

"Hey, wait a minute," Lester points to the two huge suitcases he'd 
been trying to wrestle through the bus station, "Don't forget your 
batteries."

The Perfect Diet

A terribly overweight blonde woman goes to her doctor about her
weight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.  

"I want you to eat vegetables and grains for 2 days, then skip a 
day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.  The next time I see 
you, you will have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 
20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"

The blonde nodded.  "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going 
to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

New Entrance Policy in Heaven

One day, Heaven suddenly became extremely full, and something had 
to be done. So The Lord decided to have St. Peter wait at the gate 
and ask everyone how they died. If it was a grisly story they told,
they could go ahead into Heaven. But if not, they had to go to Hell.      

The first man walks up and St. Peter tells him what's happening.
"You see, Heaven is quite full today, and we have to ask everyone 
how they died. If it sounds good, you can go ahead. But if not, 
you go to Hell."
   
"Ok," the man says. "Well, for awhile I'd been suspecting my wife 
of cheating on me. So today I thought I'd leave work early and 
catch her.  Sure enough, I got to my apartment and she was lying 
naked on the bed. I ran all over the apartment searching for the
man but couldn't find him.

Then I remembered that we lived on the 25th floor of an apartment 
building, and we have a balcony. And there was the man, hanging 
off my balcony. I beat at his hands and he just wouldn't let go, 
so I ran and got a hammer and beat his hands until he fell into 
the bushes below. I saw he was still alive so I got the 
refrigerator and pushed over the edge on top of him. But the 
strain of the effort gave me a heart attack and I died.

"Wow!" St. Peter said. "That really is bad! You can go ahead..."
   
The next man walked up and St. Peter gave his spiel about Heaven 
being full and the man would have to tell his story.
   
"Ok," the second man said. "So I live on the 26th floor of an 
apartment building, and everyday I do exercises on my balcony.   
Well, today I fell over the edge, but luckily I caught the railing 
of the balcony below me."
   
"Suddenly, this man came running out and started beating at my 
hands. He ran back inside and I thought I was safe, but then he 
came back out with a hammer and beat my hands again. I finally 
fell off, but luckily I landed in the bushes below and they saved 
my life. But that wasn't enough for the man because he pushed his 
refrigerator over the edge and it landed on me and killed me. 
And now I'm here."
    
"Wow, that's a good one too! You can go ahead..."
   
The third man walked up and St. Peter again gave his spiel about 
Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story of how 
he died.
   
"Ok," the third man said. "I don't know what happened. I was 
hiding naked inside this refrigerator..."

Hell is Cool

An explosion last week killed a wild-living navy boilerman and 
he found himself in hell. Being used to stoking fires and extremely
hot temperatures, he found hell actually quite comfortable. 
When Satan went to check out the new arrival, he found him sitting 
in his room smiling.
  
"You like this?" Satan asked. 
  
"Yes, sir," said the sailor, "this feels like a spring day to me." 

Not wanting the new guy to be too comfortable, Satan turned up the 
heat a bit.  When he went back the next day to see how his new 
arrival was doing, the sailor was still happy; he hadn't even 
broken a sweat. 
  
"I like this kind of weather," he told Satan. 

For the next few days, Satan turned up the heat more and more, 
but each day the Sailor looked as comfortable as ever.  
By Sunday, Satan decided to try something different. Rather than 
turn up the heat even more, he turned it off and turned on the
air conditioning. Icicles formed in the sailor's room! When he 
checked on the guy, the room was icy and he was shivering, but 
he had a grin from ear to ear, bigger than ever.
  
Satan was exasperated! "Why are YOU so happy?" he demanded from 
the sailor. "It's FREEZING in here!"
  
"Well, I'm from Boston," said the sailor, "and evidently the 
Red Sox just won the World Series!"

The Birth of Woman

One day, after what seemed an eternity in the Garden of Eden, 
Adam called out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?" God replied.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and 
surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all these wonderful 
animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Oh, and why is that, Adam?" came the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely 
food and all the beautiful animals, but I'm lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall 
create a 'Woman' for you."

"What's a 'Woman', Lord?"

"This 'Woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, 
and beautiful creature I have ever created.  She will be so 
intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you 
want it.  She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know 
your every mood and how to make you happy.  Her beauty will rival 
that of the heavens and earth.  She will unquestioningly care for 
your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for 
you," replied the heavenly voice.

"Wow, she sounds great, Lord."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'Woman' cost me Lord?" Adam inquired.

"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, 
and your left testicle."

Adam pondered this for some time, with a look of deep thought and 
concern on his face.  Finally Adam said to God, "Ehhh, what can I 
get for a rib?"

And that's how modern woman was created.

Clinton in Oz

Bill Clinton, Dan Quayle and Newt Gingrich are out in the Rose 
Garden discussing policy when all of a sudden a gigantic tornado 
comes and sweeps them up into the air, only to bring them crashing 
down a little while later.

They get up, dust themselves off, and look out in the distance, 
where they see the Emerald City. They suddenly realize they're 
in the land of Oz.

"Oh, boy!" says Qualye. "I'm going to go see the Wizard and 
ask him for a brain!"

"Yeah!" says Gingrich. "And I'm going to ask him for a heart!"

"Hey!" says Clinton, looking around. "Where's Dorothy?"

Musical Octopus

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the
octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that
this is a very talented octopus. So talented that he can play 
any musical instrument in the world. 

He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an 
idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has 
an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.
The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just
rippin' it up. So the man pays up his $50. 

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the 
trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays up his $50. 

Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and
the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down
with a confused look. 

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to 
screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

Accidental Celebration

A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. 
Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them 
is hurt. 

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a 
man, that's interesting. And I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our 
cars.  There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. 
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and become 
friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely; this must be a sign 
from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. 
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine 
didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate 
our good fortune."

So she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in 
agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, 
then hands it back to the woman. 

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, 
and hands it back to the man.

The man takes the bottle and asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."

Elderly Sex Life

An elderly couple went into a doctor.  They told the doctor, 
"We're having some trouble with our sex life.  Could you watch 
and offer some suggestions?"
   
The doctor replied, "I'm not a sex therapist.  You should find 
someone else."
   
The couple said, "No, no, we trust you."
 
After watching them have sex, the doctor said, "You don't seem to 
be having any troubles.  I wish my sex life was as good.  I can't 
give you any suggestions."
 
This was repeated the next week and also the third week.  After 
they had finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren't 
having any trouble at all.  Is this your idea of kinky sex?"
 
The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my
house, my wife will catch us.  If we have sex at her house, her
husband will catch us.  The motel charges us $50, and we can't 
afford that.  But you only charge $35, and medicare pays half of 
that."

Three Tough Mice

Three mice were sitting in a bar drinking shots of whiskey and
talking about how tough they were.

The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for
fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, 
I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." 
And with that he slams down another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take 
those Decon poison tablets, cut them up and snort them just for 
the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first 
two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse 
and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse stops and replies, "Can't hang around with you 
wimps. I'm going home to screw the cat."

Wonderful Hair Spray

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. 
The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. 
It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of
hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a
board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the
hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the
grandfather comes back out with a big smile and hands the little 
boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." 

The grandfather replies, "I know.  That's from your grandma."

The Mailman's Last Day
  
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same 
neighborhood.
  
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by 
the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his
way with a big gift envelope.
  
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
  
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific 
fishing lures.

This went on all day long as he was well-known and well-liked 
throughout his beat.
  
He was nearly at the last house when he was met at the door by a 
strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him 
by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed 
behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she 
blew his mind with the most passionate lovemaking he had ever 
experienced.
  
The next morning, he went downstairs, where she fixed him 
a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles,
and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she 
poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he 
noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
  
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's
the dollar bill for?"
  
"Well," she said, "a couple of days ago, I told my husband that yesterday
would be your last day, and that we should do something special 
for you.  I asked him what to give you."

"He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."
  
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

The New Maid
 
A guy dials home from work.  A strange woman answers.
 
The guy says, "Who is this?"
 
"This is the maid." answered the woman.
 
"We don't have a maid!"
 
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
 
"Well, this is her husband.  Is she there?"
 
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just 
figured was her husband."
 
The guy is fuming.  He says to the maid, "Listen, would you 
like to make $50,000?"
 
"Sure, what do I have to do?"
 
"Get the shotgun out of the hall closet, go upstairs and shoot 
that unfaithful witch and the jerk she's with."
 
The maid puts down the phone.  The guy hears footsteps, followed 
by a couple of gunshots.
 
The maid comes back to the phone.  "What should I do with the 
bodies?"
 
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
 
"What pool?"
 
"Uh...is this 555-4821?"

Wheelchair Lover

A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent 
man in a bar.
 
So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a 
mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover.

After a few days, her doorbell rings.  She opens the door and 
sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.  
He says, "I'm here about your ad."

Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do I know you're 
loyal?"

"Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in 'Nam.  That's where I 
lost my arms and legs," he replies.

"Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires.

"I make over $3 million a year.  I have my own software company.  
You can look at my bank statement," he continues.

Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, "Well, how do I 
know you're a good lover?"

He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Third World Discovery

A boy and his father visiting from a small country village in
Latvia were at a large multi-story shopping mall in America.  
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by 
two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together 
again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this, father?"  

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this 
in my life, I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady 
in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a 
button.  The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into 
a small room.  The walls closed and the boy and his father watched 
small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. 
They continued to watch the circles lit up in the reverse 
direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year-old 
woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Quick! Go get your mother."

How to Make a Woman Feel Like a Woman
  
A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible
storm.  The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning. 
The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to 
crash and they are all going to die.
  
At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, 
"I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an 
animal, strapped to a chair. If I am going to die, let me die 
feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me 
feel like a woman?"
   
She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to 
walk up to her seat. As he approachs her, he takes off his shirt. 
She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the 
plane.
  
He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, 
"I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you 
interested?"
  
She shakes her head yes.
  
As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here, iron this."

Inquisitive Son

An inquisitive young boy is talking to his mother.

"Mommy, how old are you?"

"Oh, that's quite personal, son, and besides it's not polite to 
ask a woman her age."

"Ok, mommy, then tell me, um, how much do you weigh?"

"Well, I can't tell you that either, a woman's weight is a secret."

The boy was getting a bit frustrated by now.  "If you can't tell 
me that, can you tell me why you and Daddy split up?"

"Someday I'll explain it to you but it's all quite complicated 
and I don't think you'd understand."

The boy wandered off unfulfilled but kept all of this in the back 
of his mind.  The next day in school, he was talking to one of his 
school chums and was told to look at his mom's driver's license.  
That would have all of his answers.

So very early the next morning he snuck into her wallet and looked 
at her driver's license.  When she awoke, he said, "I know how old 
you are!"

She said, "You do?  How old am I?"

"You're 31.  And I know how much you weigh, too!"

"Oh," she said, getting curious, "how much is that?"

"You weigh 126.  And I even know why Daddy left!"

She was really curious now. "Why was that, son?"

"It's because you got an F in sex!"

Kids!

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees 
about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.  He dialed 
the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's 
whisper, "Hello?"
 
Feeling a bit put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a 
youngster, the boss asked, "Is your daddy home?"
 
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
 
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
 
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
 
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy 
there?"
 
"Yes," came the answer.
 
"May I talk with her?"
 
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
 
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left 
home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with 
the person who should be there watching over the child.
 
"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
 
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
 
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the 
boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
 
"No, he is busy," whispered the child.
 
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
 
"Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman," came the whispered
 answer.
 
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked,  
"What is that noise?"
 
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
 
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
 
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team 
just landed the hello-copper!"
 
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss
asked, "The search team?! Why are they there?"
 
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled 
giggle, "They are looking for me!"

A Horth Story

A dwarf with a lisp goes to an agricultural show to buy a mare. 
He wanders around until he comes across a beautiful mare inside 
a small enclosure with a farmer standing at the gate. He goes up 
to the farmer and says, "Excthuth me, may I look at your horth?"

"Sure," says the farmer, "come on in."

The dwarf wanders round and round the mare and then stops, says to
the farmer, "Her eyeth, her eyeth, I want to thee her eyeth."

The farmer has to bend down and pick up the dwarf to show him the
mare's eyes. "Nith eyeth, nith eyeth, I like thith horth, I like 
thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth."

Once again the dwarf wanders around the horse, this time asking the
farmer to pick him up and show him the mare's ears. He exclaims, 
"Nith earth, nith earth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, 
I think I want to buy thith horth."

The farmer is starting to get pissed off by this time because the
dwarf is quite heavy. Suddenly the dwarf stops in his tracks and 
says, "Her twat. Her twat, I want to thee her twat!"

The farmer, infuriated, picks up the dwarf and drives him head 
first into the mare's backside. He leaves with the dwarf's little 
legs kicking and wanders off to talk to his mates for a couple 
of minutes. He then comes back and extracts the dwarf from his 
predicament:  SCHLOOOOP!

The dwarf wipes himself down and says.  "I think I better wephrase
that....I'd like to thee her gallop!"

A Diner Quickie           

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are
gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short
skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he 
was ready to order, 
  
"What would you like, sir?" 
   
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to 
bottom, then answers, "A quickie."
   
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. 
   
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, 
"What would you like, sir?"
   
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, 
"A quickie, please."
   
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him 
across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
   
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, 
"Um, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE.'"

Laughing Customer

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys one condom, then walks out of the
store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird,
but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying 
condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another
condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This
piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about 
buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever 
comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laughing customer is back. He buys 
the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves.

The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.

"Did you follow him?  Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.

The clerk replies, "Your house."

Semantics

A boy asks his father to explain the differences between 
irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
    
Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the 
phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"
     
"There's no one named Alf here."  The person hangs up.
    
"That's irritation," says Dad.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for 
Alf a second time.
    
"No -- there's no one here named Alf. You have the wrong number.
If you call again I shall telephone the police." End of 
conversation.

"That's aggravation."
    
"Then what's frustration?" asks his son.
    
The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:
"Hello, this is Alf.  Have I received any phone calls?"

The Medical Jar

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and 
bring me back a sample of your sperm tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office 
and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the 
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, 
it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. 
Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. 

"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, 
but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her 
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still 
nothing. 

"Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with 
both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we just
couldn't get the damn jar open!"

A Helluva Headache

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older, 
he was increasingly hampered by excruciatingly painful headaches. 
When his personal hygiene and love life began to suffer, he 
sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to 
another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

The doctor said, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The 
good news is that I can cure your headaches, the bad news is 
that it will require castration.  You have a very rare condition 
which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your 
spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only
way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was, of course, both shocked and depressed. He indeed 
wondered if he even had anything to live for after castration. 
Yet, he immediately decided he had no choice but to go under 
the knife; his headaches just had to cease.
 
When he left the hospital his mind was at long last clear, but 
naturally he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. 
As he walked down the street, he felt like an entirely different
person.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "I'll buy a new 
suit.  Maybe that will cheer me up!"

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "Yeah, that's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job to know," said the salesman. Joe tried on the suit, 
and it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 
"How about a new shirt?"  

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Okay, sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve, and...
16 neck."

Joe was once again surprised, "That's exactly right. 
How did you know?"

"It's my job to know," said the salesman, very matter of factly.

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked,  
"How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll by this point and said, "Well, sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said,  "Let's see...9...wide."

Joe was astonished, "That's right again...how did you know?"

"It's my job to know," said the salesman. Joe tried on the shoes 
and they fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 
"So, how about a new hat?"

Without hesitation, Joe said, "Yeah, go for it."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see, I'd say 7 5/8."

Joe was incredulous. "That's right. Man, how can you tell all of 
this?"

"It's my job to know," reiterated the salesman. The hat fit perfectly.

Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, 
"How about some new underwear?"  

Joe hesitated for a second and said, "Sure..."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, 
"Let's see...size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "No, no, you can't wear a size 34. 
It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine 
and give you one hell of a headache!"

The Vegetable Garden

Once there was a woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden,
but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.

Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright red
tomatoes, she went one day and inquired about his secret.  

"It's really quite simple," the old man explained, "Twice each 
day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front 
of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and 
proceeded to expose herself to her tomato plants, twice daily.

Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check on her
progress."So," he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"

"No," she replied excitedly, "but you should see the size of my
cucumbers!!"

Mexican Bungie

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day.  The first guy says to the
second.  "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own
bungee-jumping service in Mexico."  

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their 
money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, 
insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and began to set up on the square.  As they 
are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.  Slowly, 
more and more people gather to watch them at work.  Once they 
complete the tower, and announcement is made in Spanish and
the first guy jumps.  

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, 
the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.  
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him, he falls 
again, bounces, and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding.  Again,the second guy misses
him.  The first guy falls again and bounces back up.  This time, 
he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones 
and is almost unconscious.  Luckily, the second guy finally catches
him this time and says, "What happened?  Was the cord too long?" 

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell 
is a pinata?"

Talking Frog Story

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. 
He is on the second hole, a par three, when he notices a frog 
sitting near the second tee.  He thinks nothing of it and is about 
to strike the ball when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
 
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." 
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his 
6 iron away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!  He hits it 10 inches 
from the cup.

He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must 
be a lucky frog, eh?"  

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog." 

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. 
"What do you think, frog?" the man asks. 

"Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!  Hole in one. 

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of
the day, the man golfed the best round of golf of his life and asks 
the frog, "Okay, where to next?" 

The frog replied, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." 

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Okay, frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." 

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you 
think I should bet?" 

The frog replied, "Ribbit. $3000.  Black 6." Now, this is a 
35-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures 
what the heck. Boom! Black 6 hits, and he makes $105,000.  
Tons of chips comes sliding back across the table. The man takes 
his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.  

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay 
you.  You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replied, "Ribbit. Kiss me." He figures why not, since 
after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the 
frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
 
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

Ladies at the Busstop

Two elderly ladies were smoking cigarettes while waiting for a bus.
It started to rain, so one lady reached into her purse, took out a
condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and
continued to smoke. 

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it 
that you put over your cigarette?" 

The first old lady said, "It's a condom." 

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the dry cigarette told her friend that she could
purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two ladies arrived
downtown, the lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy 
and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacists said 
he did, but was a little surprised that this elderly woman was 
interested in condoms, so he asked her, 

"What size do you want?"

The lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

The Moral of the Story

One day, at the end of class, little Billy's teacher asked the
class to go home, think of a story, then reach a conclusion as
to the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asked for the first volunteer to
tell their story.  Little Suzy raised her hand. "My dad owns a
farm and every Sunday we loaded the chicken eggs on the truck and
drove into town to sell them at the market.  Well, one Sunday we 
hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto 
the road."

The teacher asks Suzy what the moral of her story was.

Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next was little Lucy.  "Well my dad owns a farm too and every
weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.
Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

The teacher once again asks what the moral of her story was.

Lucy replied, "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."

Next was little Billy.  "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War,
and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.  He jumped out
before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a
machete.  On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately,
he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers."  

"He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he 
pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his 
machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked in shock at Billy and asked if there is any
possibility of a moral to his story.  

Billy replied, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

Animal Attraction

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very 
large gorilla, the gorilla goes bonkers.  He jumps up on the bars, 
holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his
chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty 
lady in the wavy, pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife
tease the poor fellow.  The husband suggests she pucker her lips, 
wiggle her bottom, and play along.  She does and Mr. Gorilla 
gets even more excited, making noises that could wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, 
she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.  
Now try lifting your dress up your thighs...this drives the 
gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open 
the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, 
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

Nativity Scene

A man was passing through a small southern town where there was a
nativity scene on exhibit that showed great skill and talent had 
gone into creating it. One small feature bothered the man though.  
The three wise men were all wearing fireman's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, the man 
left.  At the "Quik Stop" at the edge of town, the man asked the 
lady behind the counter about the helmets.  She exploded into a 
rage, yelling at the man, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

The man assured the lady that he read the Bible regularly but 
simply could not recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through 
some pages and finally jabbed her finger on the passage.  
Sticking it into the man's face she said, "See, it says right 
here, "The three wise men came from afar.""

Fear No Evil

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville
wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service
starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their 
lives, their families, etc.
 
Suddenly, at the altar, amidst an explosion of fire, Satan appears!
Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, 
trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away 
from Evil Incarnate.
 
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who
sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.
 
Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
 
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
 
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
 
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
 
"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years, how bad 
could you be?"

Mr. Hi-Tech

A guy walks into a bar and sits down.  He starts dialing numbers...
like a telephone... on his hand, then talking into his hand.  The
bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood
and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy says, "You don't understand.  I'm very hi-tech.  I had a
phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the 
cellular."

The bartender says, "Yeah? Prove it." 

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. 
The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.

"That's incredible", says the bartender, "I would never have
believed it!"

"Yeah," said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife,
you name it.  By the way, where is the men's room?"  The bartender
directs him to the men's room.

The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.
Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into
the men's room.  There is the guy spread-eagled against the wall.  
His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his 
butt. 

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns to him and says: "No, I'm fine...I'm just waiting
for a fax."

A Priest and Nun in Winter

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they
came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to
sleep. 

There was a stack of blankets in the corner and a sleeping bag on 
the floor but only one bed.  Being a gentleman, the priest said, 
"Sister, you sleep on the bed.  I'll sleep on the floor in the 
sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall
asleep, the nun said, "Father, I'm cold."  He unzipped the sleeping 
bag, got up, got a blanket and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started
to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm 
still very cold."  He unzipped the bag, got up again, put
another blanket on her and got into his sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."

This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea.
We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what
happened.  Let's pretend we're married."

The nun purred, "That's fine by me."

To which the priest yelled back, "Get up and get your own stupid
blanket!"

Nice Medical Plan

A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he is working in.
The intern walks past a room where a man is vigorously 
masturbating nonstop. The intern asks the doctor giving the tour 
why that man was doing such a thing out in the open.

The doctor says:"Oh, he has a medical condition where sperm builds
up so quickly in his body, he has to masturbate constantly or he 
will explode."

"Oh, I see," says the intern, wincing.

They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying 
on a stretcher getting a blow job from a nurse.

Again, he asks the doctor, "What is up with THAT??"

The doctor says: "Same condition, better medical plan."

Grandma Ain't So Young

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They
were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old
gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married
for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting
here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked
as jaybirds fifty years ago, too."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey,"  the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal!!"

Trains

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing
with his new electric train in the living room.  

She heard the train stop, and her son said, "All you sons of 
bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is 
the last stop!  And, all you sons of bitches who are retuning and 
want to get on, get your asses on the train now cause we're going 
down the tracks!"

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't
use that kind of language in this house.  Now go to your room and 
stay there for TWO HOURS.  When you come out, you may go back and 
play with your train, but only if you use nice language."

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed 
playing with his train.  Soon, the train stopped and the mother 
heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, 
please remember to take all of your belongings with you.  We thank 
you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.
We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding,
we ask you to stow all of your luggage under your seat.  Remember,
there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant
and relaxing journey with us today."

Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off
about the TWO HOUR delay, see the bitch in the kitchen."

Who's In Charge?

When God made the human, all of the different parts wanted to
be the boss.

The brain said "Since I do all the thinking, I must the be most
important and I should be the boss."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know 
where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be the boss."

The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything 
up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be the
boss."

The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest 
of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I 
should be the boss."

The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. 
So I'm the most important and I should be the boss."

Then the rectum spoke up. "I think I should be the boss."

All the rest of the parts of the body laughed and laughed and 
said "YOU?! You don't do anything! You're not important!
You can't be in charge.  You'll never be the boss."

So the rectum got angry and closed up.

After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach tightened 
up, the hands were all shaky, the eyes got all foggy and watery, 
and the brain couldn't think.

They all gave in because they couldn't take any more of this and 
agreed to make the rectum boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be the brain to be boss, just an asshole.

Late Night Drinking

Three men had a very late night out drinking scotch whiskey.

They left in the early morning hours and went home separately.

They met for lunch next day, and compared notes about
who was drunker the night before.

The first guy claimed that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove
straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through 
the door, I blew chunks."

To which the second guy replied, "You think that was drunk?  I
got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car 
around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got
home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over and 
burned the whole house down!" They all looked at each other for a 
moment.

Then the first guy said: "Guys, I don't think you understand.  
Chunks is my dog."

Turner Brown

A small white guy goes into an elevator. When he gets in, he notices 
a huge black dude standing next him. The big black dude looks 
down upon the small white guy and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 
20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."
 
The small white guy faints!!  The big black dude picks up the small
white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, 
and asks the small white guy "What's wrong?  You alright?"
 
The small white guy comes to and says, "Excuse me, but what 
did you say?"
 
The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 
20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."

The small white guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said,
"Turn around.""

Sinners in Hell

Three guys found themselves in Hell.  Let's call them Jerry, Kenny, 
and Larry. They were a little confused at their present situation,
and were startled to see a door in the wall open.  Behind the 
door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen.  She was 
3'4", dirty, and they could smell her even over the Brimstone.
 
The voice of the Devil boomed out, "Jerry, you have sinned!  
You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this 
woman!"  And Jerry was whisked through the door by a group of 
lesser demons to his eternal torment.
 
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both 
jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more 
disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong.  She was over 7' tall, 
monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.  

The voice of the Devil was heard again, louder than before,
"Kenny, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of 
eternity in bed with this woman!" And Greg, like Jerry, was whisked
off, screaming and scratching, to his doom.

Larry, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the 
worst when the third door opened.  And as the door inched open, 
he strained to see the figure of...Cindy Crawford!  Delighted, 
Larry jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, 
barely dressed in a skimpy bikini.  Then he heard the voice of 
the Devil booming:  "Cindy, you have sinned..."

Newlywed

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was
still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's
house, she was nervous. 

But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good 
man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."  So up she went. 
When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his 
hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, mama, Tony's
got a big hairy chest." 

"Don't worry, Maria", says the mother, "All good men have hairy 
chests.  Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." 

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took 
off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs 
to her mother.

"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs, too!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man.
Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." 

So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his 
socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria 
saw this, she ran downstairs.

"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother, "this is a job 
for Mama!"

Better Write It Down

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to 
forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that 
this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidently forget to 
turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. 

So, they decided to go see their physician to get some help. 
Their physician told them that many people their age find it 
useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly 
couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's 
office very pleased with the advice.

When they got home, the wife said, "Dear, will you please go to 
the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream?  And why don't you 
write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"

"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. 
You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."

"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and 
some strawberries. I can remember that!"

"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. 
Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," 
said the wife.

"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. 
"No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped 
cream."

And with that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. 
The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making 
some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, 
strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen 
about 15 minutes later.

Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of 
bacon and eggs.

The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband 
and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"

Easter Holiday
 
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven.  
St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can 
answer one simple question.
  
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" 
   
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November
when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful..." 

"Wrong!" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde 
the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when
we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth 
of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, 
tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third
blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the 
eyes, "I know what Easter is."
 
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish 
celebration of Passover.  Jesus and his disciples were eating at 
the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to 
the Romans by one of his disciples.  The Romans took him to be 
crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown 
of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands.  
He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large 
boulder." 

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
 
The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside 
so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there 
will be six more weeks of winter."

Bob Rents an Apartment

Bob rents an apartment in New York and goes to the lobby to put his
name on the mailbox.  While he's there, an attractive young lady
wearing a robe comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes.
Bob smiles at her and she strikes up a conversation with him.  As
they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has
nothing on underneath.  Poor Bob breaks out into a sweat trying to
maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, 
"Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..." 

He follows her into the apartment and after she closes the door 
she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open.  
She purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Bob stammers, clears his throat several
times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!" 

She's astounded! "Why my ears?  Look at these breasts! They are 
full, don't sag, and they're all mine!  My butt - it's firm and 
has no cellulite. Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars.  
Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of 
my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Bob stammers:  "Outside when you 
said you heard someone coming . . . . that was me!!"

Marriage Counseling

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments,
a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their 
marriage was to try professional counseling.  They had been at 
each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their 
last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped 
right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be 
the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything 
to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour
describing all the wrongs within their marriage.  After five, ten, 
fifteen minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over 
to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately 
for several minutes, and sat her back down. 

After that, the wife sat there - speechless.  

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at 
what had happened.

The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least 
twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "Okay, I can have her 
here by three o'clock on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

A Special Dinner

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
  
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away 
noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under 
the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.  The waitress 
watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of 
sight under the table.
   
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and 
unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had 
disappeared.  After the waitress finished taking the order, she 
came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, 
but I think your husband just slid under the table."
  
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No, he 
didn't.  He just walked in the door."

The Genie

A man and his wife were playing golf. The man tees off and his 
ball veers way off to the right, breaking the window of a house. 
The wife says you must go and apologize and pay for the window.

Both the man and his wife walk up to the house, ring the door but 
no one answers. He opens the door and inside, next to the window 
he sees a broken vase with his golf ball laying on the floor. 

Suddenly a man comes out of a nearby room, the golfer starts to 
apologize for breaking his window and the vase. 

The man inside the house says, "No, don't apologize, I am a genie 
and have been stuck in that vase for 10,000 years, you have 
rescued me and I owe you deeply. For helping me I will grant three 
wishes. I will give you one, your lovely wife one and I would 
like to keep one for myself."

He asks the man what he wishes for. The man thought awhile and 
said, "I wish for a million dollars." 

The genie waves his hand and said, "A million dollars, it's yours, 
it has been deposited into your bank account."

He asks the wife what is her wish. She says, "I wish for a
condominium in Hawaii." 

The genie waves his hand and says, "A condominium in Hawaii, it's 
yours." The genie continues, "Now it is my turn." He thinks for 
awhile and says, "You know its been 10,000 years since I have had 
a woman, could I make love to your wife?"

The man thinks for a while and says, "Honey, he gave us a million 
dollars and a condominium in Hawaii, the least you could do is 
make love to him." 

She agrees and they both go to the back bedroom.

After making passionate love, the woman says, "I can't believe 
that my husband let you do this to me." 

The genie says, "And I can't believe that your husband still 
believes in genies."

Little Boy Politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom,
she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you
the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your
baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and 
see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in
bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now." 

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you 
think politics is all about". 

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the 
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are 
being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

God Will Provide

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After
dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young 
man. 

The father invites the fiancé to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar.  Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what
will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, 
as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, 
"and God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir.  God will provide," replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this and each time the father
questions the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news
is he thinks I'm God.

Choosing a Profession

An old-time southern, hell fire & brimstone country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time 
the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.   Like many young men, the boy didn't really 
know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
 
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the 
boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
 
       - a Bible,
 
       - a silver dollar,
 
       - a bottle of whisky and
 
       - a Playboy magazine
 
 "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, 
I'll see which object he picks up.  If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
 
 If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.
 
 But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good, low down drunkard, and, Lord, help me.... what a shame 
that would be.
 
 And worst of all..... if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin', no good bum."
 
 The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed 
for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the 
table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
 
 Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. 
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
 
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a  Congressman!"

The Ring
 
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. 
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and 
brought out a $5,000 ring.
 
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special 
stock and brought another ring over.
 
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.  The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body 
trembled with excitement.
 
The old man, seeing this said, "We'll take it."
 
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure 
my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up 
Monday afternoon," he said.
 
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
 
"I know that," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!   

The Examination

A woman went to a walk-in clinic, where she was seen by a young, new doctor.
 
After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told
her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
 
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she
told him what happened. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in
another room.
 
The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young
doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you?! Mrs. Terry is 59 years
old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she
was pregnant?"
 
The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without even
looking up, asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Father of One of My Kids

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and say hello. 

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies 
watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."