Fun Trivia, Humor Etc.

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Here's a list of just some fun trivia, humor, and things passed to me over the years...
thought you might enjoy them:

Fun Trivia / Imponderables / Euphemisms for Stupid /
Microsoft vs. GM / Dilbert's Theorem on Salaries / The Wisdom of Steven Wright / Understanding Engineers / Actual Label Instructions / Great School Excuse Notes / Dr. Phil's Personality Test / What Life Was Like 100 Years Ago

And now a word from one of our supporters:
 Want to hear more great trivia and jokes? We have everything from amusing stories to famous and  hilarious movie quotes on our humor site! Just check out all our funny things right here!!

1) Fun Trivia

American car horns beep in the tone of F.

No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA"

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called "aglets."

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.

Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.

Debra Winger (went to school with her) was the voice of E.T.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

Bill Clinton has been in 3 porno films from the waist down.

It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola,and Budweiser, in that order.

Average life span of a major league baseball: seven pitches.

A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.

The most played song on American radio during the twentieth century was You've Lost That Loving Feeling which was written by Barry Mann, Phil Spector, and Cynthia Weil. Although recorded by different artists, the song is the only one in history to be played over 8 million times on the radio. That amounts to about 45 years if the song was played back to back! Three songs were played 7 million times: Never My Love,Yesterday, and Stand By Me (in that order).
Source: The BMI Top 100 Songs (BMI)

The oldest business in the United States of America is the cymbal company Zildjian which was founded in Constantinople in 1623.
Source: American Heritage of Invention & Technology, Winter 2000

Every act that has had a Billboard Top 40 hit whose title included the name of a different recording act, that other act had at least one Top 40 hit at the same exact time.
Some examples (not a complete list):

1964: The song We Love You Beatles by the Carefrees was on the charts while The Beatles had seven songs of their own in the Top 40.

1984-85: Rick Springfield had the minor hit Bruce while Bruce Springsteen was charting himself with Born in the U.S.A.

1987: Both the ABC song When Smokey Sings and Smokey Robinson's song One Heartbeat were in the Top 10 at the same time.

1992: Weird Al had the hit Smells Like Nirvana at the same time that Nirvana had the hit Come As You Are.
Source: Chart Beat Chat, Billboard Online, April 28, 2000

There are approximately ten million bricks in the Empire State Building.
Source: A&E Top 10 Architectural Wonders

The lightning that we see actually goes from the ground to the sky in what is known as the "return stroke" at 1/3 the speed of light. We can't see the initial "stepped leader" that passes from the sky to the ground.
Source: USA Today Weather Book by Jack Williams (1992, page 127)

From space, the brightest man-made place is Las Vegas, Nevada.
Source: Understanding Electricity, The Learning Channel, March 27, 2000

The most common invention of the 19th century was the washing machine.
Between 1804 and 1873, at least 1676 patents were issued by the United States Patent Office for various forms of this device.
Source:? Household Wonders (The History Channel)

The five most stolen items in a drugstore are batteries, cosmetics, film, sunglasses, and, get this, Preparation H. Apparently people are just too embarrassed to purchase the last item. And, just in case you are curious, one of Preparation H's main ingredient is shark liver oil. The oil not only helps shrink hemorrhoids, but will shrink any tissue. As a result, many older women in Florida use the stuff to help reduce the appearance of wrinkles!
Source: Do Pharmacists Sell Farms? by Vince Staten (1998, Simon & Schuster)

It's widely known that Alexander Graham Bell beat Elisha Gray to the patent office by a mere two hours with his application to patent the telephone. However, ten years after Bell's patent was issued, patent examiner Zenas Wilber admitted in a sworn affadavit that he had taken a $100 bribe from Bell, had taken a loan from Bell's patent attorney, and had given Bell the complete details of Gray's caveat.? Hmmmm....
Source: Inventor's Digest, July/August 1998, pages 26-28.

Charles Lindbergh achieved great fame for being the first man to fly nonstop across the Atlantic Ocean.? What most people don't know, however, is that two men had achieved the same goal eight years earlier! Flying for sixteen and a half hours from June 14 to June 15, 1919, Captain John Alcock and Lieutenant Arthur Whitten-Brown had copiloted a Vichers-Vimy twin-engine plane nonstop from Newfoundland across the Atlantic to Ireland.??? Lindbergh was just the first person to do it alone.
Source: Fabulous Fallacies by Tad Tuleja (1982, The Stonesong Press)

In four separate instances between October 1987 and February 1988, small pink frogs rained down from the sky on to various parts of Great Britain. Scientists are still uncertain as to where these frogs originated, although some have traced them back to the Sahara desert.
Source: The World's Most Incredible Stories, 1998, page 66.

The Malaysian government decided to solve their disease-carrying mosquito problem by spraying the infested areas with DDT.? This worked, but the cockroaches then devoured the dead mosquitos.? This was followed by the region's gecko lizards consuming the roaches. The geckos did not die from the residual poison (surprisingly), but their central nervous systems were greatly affected, causing the lizards to slow down. Moving up the food chain, the cats ate the slow-moving lizards and started to die off in large quantities. Of course, fewer cats means more rats, and the country's rat population soared. As a result, the World Health Organization was forced to step in and ban the DDT. In an effort to restore the ecological balance, they flew in planeloads of cats to kill the rats.
Source: The Best, Worst, & Most Unusual by Bruce Felton and Mark Fowler, 1994, p. 180, Galahad Books

Two hundred and twenty six soldiers lost their lives way back in 1850 when they crossed a suspension bridge that spanned the Maine at Angers, France. It turns out that they were all marching in step and had caused an increased resonance (vibration) to the bridge. Ever since,
troops are ordered to rout step (march out of step) when crossing a bridge.
Source: Why Some Shoes Squeak by George W. Stimpson,1984, p. 115

The phrase "Often a bridesmaid but never a bride" actually comes from an advertisement for Listerine mouthwash.? The text was written by Milton Feasley and first appeared in 1925.? The advertisement was so successful that it ran for more than ten years.

Did you ever wonder what the WD in WD-40 stands for?? WD is an abbreviation for Water Displacer.

The Bank of Vernal, in Vernal, Utah (where else?) is the only bank in the world that was built from bricks sent through the mail.? Way back in 1919 the builders realized that it was cheaper to send the bricks through the United States Postal System (seven bricks to a package) than to have them shipped commercially from Salt Lake City.

Marijuana was not illegal in the United States until October 1, 1937, when Congress passed the "Marijuana Tax Act".? Total debate time on the House of Representatives floor concerning this issue: 90 seconds. This act did not actually ban the substance - it simply said that one could not sell marijuana without a license.? Of course, Congress refused to issue any licenses. Congress finally banned marijuana outright in 1970.

Everyone knows that spinach is loaded in iron and makes you stronger - Just look what it has done for Popeye's career. Well, Popeye was wrong. So were all of those parents that stuffed it down their kids' throats. In reality, spinach has no more iron in it than any other vegetable. This spinach misconception dates back to the 1950's when a food analyst made an error while calculating the iron in spinach. His decimal place was off by one place, suggesting that spinach had ten times as much iron content than it really did.

2) Imponderables

1. When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?
2. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
3. Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?
4. Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next Exit"?
5. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
6. If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?
7. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
8. Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?
9. When you go into a hotel you always see reception. Why do you never just see ception?
10. If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
11. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
12. Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
13. If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra would they get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?
14. If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
15. Why is there always one in every crowd?
16. If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?
17. Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?
18. Why do hair shampoo instructions say "Lather. Rinse. Repeat"? If you did this, would you ever be able to stop?
19. Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells refrigerators?
20. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

And more of them here...

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

3) Euphemisms for uh, uh, stooopid...

These are actual quotes from Federal and militaryemployee performance evaluations:

"Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig,"

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy. "

"She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean.

It's hard to believe that he beat out 100,000,000 other sperm.

One neuron short of a synapse.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

A room temperature IQ.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

A gross ignoramus -144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

A prime candidate for natural deselection.

Bright as an Alaskan December.

One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

Donated his body to science before he was done using it.

Fell out of the family tree.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

4) Microsoft vs. General Motors

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry to the car industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release (by
Mr. Welch himself) stating:

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics:"

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have
to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95"
or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five
times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be
replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The air bag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need or want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

5) Dilbert's Theorem on Salaries

Dilbert's Theorem on Salary states that engineers and scientists can never earn as much salary as business executives and sales people.

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:

Work
-------- = Power
Time

Since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money, we have:

Work
--------- = Knowledge
Money

Solving for Money, we get:

Work
-------------- = Money
Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.

6) The Wisdom of Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says "1 inch = 1 inch". I hardly ever unroll it.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Today I...........No, that wasn't me.

Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone when I came back the entire area was missing.

Power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em

He was a multimillionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in...

I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again...

I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said 'Stephen, why haven't you called me.... I said, "I can't call everyone I want... my (new) phone has no 'five' on it."... He said, "How long have you had it?"... I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no 'seven's on it."

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly].........and says 'Here, you can go.'

I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back....boy, were they mad!

I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes...

I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said its "Free With Purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

I filled out an application that said "In Case Of Emergency Notify:" I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

I bought some powdered water....but I didn't know what to add.

If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?

The sky is falling ... no, I'm tipping over backwards.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

If you tell a joke in the forest but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

And more wisdom and wit from Steven:

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case.....coincidence?

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism-to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

7) Understanding Engineers

Take One
**************************************************
Two engineering students were walking across campus when
one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along
yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman
rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the
clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Take Two
**************************************************
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist,
the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is
twice as big as it needs to be.

Take Three
***************************************************
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning
for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed,
"What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

"The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word
with him." [dramatic pause]

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow,
aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a
fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special
prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for
them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Take Four
**************************************************
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all
things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30
years, he happily retired. Several years later the company
contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with
one of their multimillion dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine
to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the
retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day
studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a
small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and
stated, "This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for
his service. They demanded an itemised accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Take Five
*************************************************
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build
targets.

Take Six
**************************************************
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it
work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it
cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries
with that?"

Take Seven
*************************************************
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a
mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous
system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would
run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Take Eight
*************************************************
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet."
--- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

Take Nine
**************************************************
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether
it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a
solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of
the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you
can go to the lab and get some work done."

Take Ten
**************************************************
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called
out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful
princess.

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn
me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one
week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it
back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you
I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and
do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time
for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

8) Actual Label Instructions

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer:

"Do not use while sleeping."

(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

 

On a bag of Fritos:

"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."

(The shoplifter special.)

 

On a bar of Dial soap:

"Directions: Use like regular soap."

(And that would be how...?)

 

On some Swanson frozen dinners:

"Serving suggestion: Defrost."

(But it's just a suggestion.)

 

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):

"Do not turn upside down."

(Too Late!)

 

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

"Product will be hot after heating."

(As night follows the day...)

 

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:

"Do not iron clothes on body."

(But wouldn't this save time?)

 

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:

"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this
medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if
we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those
forklifts.)

 

On Nytol Sleep Aid:

"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(One would hope.)

 

On most brands of Christmas lights:

"For indoor or outdoor use only."

(As opposed to what?)

 

On a Japanese food processor:

"Not to be used for the other use."

(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

 

On Sainsbury's peanuts:

"Warning: contains nuts."

(Talk about a news flash.)

 

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:

"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

(Step 3: Fly Delta.)

 

On a child's Superman costume:

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

 

On a Swedish chain saw:

"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

( I gotta wonder...was there a problem with this happening somewhere?)

9) Great School Excuse Notes

These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling)
collected by schools from all over the country.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

10) Dr. Phil's Personality Test/Psychological Profile

Read on, this is very interesting!
Here's something that you may find interesting ... it's a ten question
psychological profile don't be overly sensitive!
The following is very accurate and it only takes 2 minutes.
Don't peek but begin the test as you scroll down and answer.
Answers are for who you are now ... not who you were in the past.
Have pen or pencil and paper ready.
This is a real test given by a local Human Relations department...

Ready?? Begin..

1 . When do you feel your best?
a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon and early evening
c) late at night

2. You usually walk
a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly

3. When talking to people you
a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with
a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with
a) a big, appreciative laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering YOU
a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted; do you...
a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
a) Red or orange
b) black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before
going to sleep, you lie
a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are
a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant POINTS:

1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

Now add up the total number of points.
OVER 60 POINTS:
Others see you as someone they should "handle with
care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely
dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you,
but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS:
Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality;
a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions,
though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and
adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes
chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of
the excitement you radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS:
Others see you as fresh,lively, charming, amusing, practical,
and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of
attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head.
They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding;
someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS:
Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical.
They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person
who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely
loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in
return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to
shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long
time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS:
Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very
cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It'd really
surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur
of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every
angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is
caused partly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS:
People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after,
who always wants someone else to make the decisions
& who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything.
They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist.
Some people think you're boring.
Only those who know you well know that you aren't.

11) What Life Was Like 100 Years Ago (thanks to Craig Scheib)

Here are some surprising statistics for the Year 1906 :

The average life expectancy was 47 years.

Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 milesof paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!

The average wage in 1906 was 22 cents per hour.
The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year .
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year,
a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME .
Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which
were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

The five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores.
Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind,
regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." ( Shocking, huh? )

Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE (!) U.S.A. !

This was forwarded to me from someone else without typing
it himself, and sent it to me and others all over the United States, Canada, and
possibly the world, in a matter of seconds!

Try to imagine what life may be like in another 100 years. (If we even have a world!)